if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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