i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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