I am in a vortex of obligation.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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