Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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