if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize