I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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