your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
