did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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