I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
