since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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