Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
