Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
