So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
