You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
