I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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