Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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