I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
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Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize