It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
