I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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