and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.