I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
