Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Come on in and take your pants off
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