I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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