well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
