He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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