I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
