My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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