the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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