Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
