Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
