I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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