Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
