My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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