you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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