he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
