I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I cockslap morals
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize