The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
