I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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