he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
