dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
