last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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