I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're too hungover to prance.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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