i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
