you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
