You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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