What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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