I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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