Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
