Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
