i think my tv is drunk
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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