Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
