He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i've created a new STD.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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