Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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