A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
