Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
