Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
